A Letter To Our Pets

Cat looking at a refrigeratorHere is a funny letter to our pets that Janice, an Itchmo reader, sent to us:

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

The rest of the letter after the jump.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

14 Responses to “A Letter To Our Pets”

  1. danielle says:

    I am seriously going to post that on my front door. Maybe then my in-laws won’t visit.

  2. Linda says:

    Love it!! LOL x5!

  3. Bridgett says:

    Yup, I showed that one to a friend of mine who was not pet enthusiast. She never said another word about the cats licking the cereal bowls.

  4. Diella says:

    LOL! I love the one about the staircase, it does seem like my coby is trying to race me down and has nearly knocked me over numerous times.

  5. Teri says:

    I’m still snickering over the bathroom comments. I can’t remember the last time I had bathroom privacy.

  6. JanC says:

    Somebody emailed this one to me & I just had to share it. I cracked up about the bathroom also…..must be a thing with all animals.

    It’s been a rough 9 weeks…..or however long it’s been since this all started. We are all stressed & angry……figured we all needed a little chuckle.

    Thanks again to Ben & all of you…..I’ve not only learned a lot from you but you have made me smile on those days when I felt there was nothing to smile about. As you can see from the articles lately, all of your raising hell is starting to get some attention.

    Three cheers for the “hysterical” & “off the charts” bloggers…..

  7. Gerry says:

    What a scream! The part about the bed was too much. I need to wash my computer scene from the coffee I sprayed all over it when I laughed so hard. LOL My non pet lover sister has always said I turn my pets into dependent nut cases when she saw my dog follow me to the John. Now I know Iam not alone.

  8. Cynthia says:


    I don’t have to worry about my in-laws anymore.

    Before I got my two cats, my in-laws once told me they hated cats and would never eat at a house that has cats because they walk all over the kitchen counter and get hair all over everything.

    Now have two wonderful, sweet siamese cats who go wherever they please. So I guess I won’t have to worry about them spending a week with us anymore. Hooray! My two meezers are so much better company!

  9. Kiki says:

    Awesome - Just Awesome!!!

  10. lacy says:

    I havent laughed so hard in sooo long. This is perfect. Sounds just like my kitties!! :)

  11. Jenny Barkley says:

    I love it and boy is it true. I want to post it on my frount door too. When my husband get up in ine morning and after he leaves the babies out this wiil be the first thing he sees. I bet he wakes me up at 4am with is laughing.

  12. TC says:

    thanks so very much for that - made me smile big, esp. the last line:)

  13. Barbara says:

    The in law comments are really good. I like them. BUT, I can’t get away from one of mine, because she LIVES WITH US! (I’m dying)
    H E L P !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Kathy says:

    I can’t count the times I have exclaimed “How many dogs does it take to use the bathroom!?!”

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