Start up a company to sell a new and exciting food product to the suckers. Call it Natural Treasure! That will get it the attention it so richly deserves!

Get your Influential friends in Congress, or the Senate or good old Roy (the good old boy) over at the USDA to help slip it through all red tape and into the proper channels. Pay off the usual suspects at the FDA and other pesty and nosy Govt. Regulatory Organizations to look the other way on this one.

Package it up nicely in a brightly colored 25# bag with a highly touted sealed in freshness inner container “To preserve freshness”.

Get the Ad Execs on Madison Avenue in New York and the rest of the usual hype and spin artists working on “catchy” slogans and highly annoying TV Commercials.

Hire a choir of scantily clad bimbos to sing the praises of this wonderful product while simultaneously flashing (Rock Video Style) images of happy people eating and enjoying this wonderful natural product.

If you can….see if you can get the “Cavemen” from another of the annoying commercials to do your bidding for you…..for some strange reason, these abominations seem to hold some significance with “Real Americans”! Forget the Indians (Oops…Native Americans), they don’t even want to be remembered…..too thin skinned!

Make sure to play the subliminal suggestion angle to the max here. Stress the fact that it is all natural ingredients with all natural enzymes that have pre-digested much of the content to make your dining experience easier for you. Lazy people like it when some of their work is done for them!

Soak it through and through with Artificial flavor and colorings to appeal to the masses and disguise the true nature of this wonderful and amazing product. Just like the pro’s do with pet food, our snack foods and everything else you and your pets consume without batting an eye.

For the more daring of you entrepreneurs out there, talk to your friends that are having a difficult time of disposing of radioactive and hazardous waste by products….a workable deal may be in the offing here! Why not? This is America….”Land of Opportunity” right? And take a serious look at who has all the opportunities here! Why not you too?

If you have even a trace of a conscience….maybe you’d better forego the last part….at least until you grow a bit more calloused like the “Corporate Big Boys”.

Flood all TV and cable channels with constant repetitions of this advertising.

Don’t forget to offer to “supersize” the package for a few dollars more. You already know how well that ploy works!

And……..most importantly: Buy all the stock you can afford in your new company; promote the hell out of it and get it listed ( again through acquaintances or good old boy friends) on the NYSE or NASDAQ.

Sucker as many investors and share holders as you can boldly lie to and sweeten the pot.

Be sure to send complimentary samples to all of the attorneys and scheisters currently involved in defending the corrupt and calloused pet food industry manufacturers, and also to the boys over at the FDA just for good measure.

Two weeks after the millions start rolling in……sell all your stock, divest yourself from any association with the shell company and flee the country to China where you will start all over again using an assumed name and calling the product for import to the US something like “Cash My Check Highly Good Food” or something catchy.

How’s that for starters? After all…..it all worked once didn’t it? People are conditioned creatures of habit aren’t they? Any reason why it wouldn’t work again?

This is meant as a disgusting and a “reality check” parody…..please do not call me to start this business up! I know it is very tempting….but I just won’t have any of it!

If you like it and really want in…..call the Big Corporate Food industries…..I’m sure you will find willing partners in a heartbeat!

Captn’ Carl