How To Give Your Pets A Pill

Giving a Cat a PillHere is a funny set of instructions we found on how to give a cat a pill and how to give a dog a pill:

How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

The rest of the list after the jump.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

Feel free to add your tips, funny stories or other suggestions on how you give your pet a pill.

8 Responses to “How To Give Your Pets A Pill”

  1. Carol says:

    In all this madness it sure was nice for a tear-running-down-cheek laugh this morning…It’s like someone has been watching us!

  2. Molly says:

    If you can get the pill in the cat’s mouth and get the mouth shut, provided you can get a free hand (good luck), dip your finger in water and touch it to the cat’s nose. The cat can’t stand having water on her nose and has to lick it off. When she licks it off she has to swallow the pill. This almost always works for me.

  3. Elaine Vigneault says:

    I’ve read this before. It’s pretty funny.
    We have a cat with heart disease and here’s how we pill her:
    We stick her pills inside pill pocket treats. She eats them whole and loves it. In fact, she’s now “trained” to remind us when she needs her pill :)

  4. Donna says:

    Molly, thank you for that tip. I will try to remember that.

    My little Angel needed to go in for surgery last month, she absolutely hates the cat carrier, gets very panicky when she sees it’s been brought upstairs, I’m afraid she’s gonna have a little kitty coronary one of these days. The vet recommended that I give her half a tranquilizer an hour before, he said it would make her “pliable”. If I could have shoved the pill in one of her favorite treats it wouldn’t have been an issue - I almost pulled back a nub last time I gave her a treat, she guzzled it down and almost took my finger with it. But her pre-op instructions called for no food or water past midnight the previous night.

    I tried the shove and stroke method: basically shove the pill in her mouth and stroke her throat to get her to swallow. It took a good 15 minutes but I got the job done. And since I had a good grip on her I shoved her in the cat carrier right then.

    When we arrived at the vet I triumphantly announced that I had gotten the tranquilizer into her…it had been a struggle but I did it.

    Two days later I found the half a pill under the computer desk. Cats are tricky. :)

  5. Linda P. says:

    Thank you for the best laugh I have had in a long time! Anyone who has ever tried to “pill a cat” will appreciate the humor. I laughed ’til I cried!!

  6. Eric says:

    That’s how we do it also. Works nearly everytime!

  7. Adele says:

    Our vet recommended this tip for getting cats in the carrier and it works in our house. Leave a carrier open, at all times, in ”the family” part of the house. We have an open floor plan so we leave it under a small table that we pile magazines on. We put a flat cushion on the inside to make it comfy and a soft, also a small fleece blanket folded on top. We have 5 cats; sometimes there’s 1 cat inside and 1 cat laying on top. When it’s time to go to the vet, I often have to get 1 cat out of it to put the other cat into it. If 2 cats have to go to the vet, no one runs or hides when the 2nd carrier comes upstairs. I guess it’s like a desensitizing or something like that. Anyway, if you have the space, I recommend it. It makes life a lot easier for us and the cats. :)

  8. Sky Eyes Woman says:

    My cat Dude loves Pill Pockets so much it’s (sort of) easy to pill him. I say “sort of” because he can be a real pain when it’s time for his meds, he wants those treats so badly. They have to be kept locked up so he can’t chew up the whole bag all at once! He’s done that twice already. A few months ago I wrote my own instructions for medicating Dude:

    How to give Dude a pill-

    1. Open cupboard containing cat medications and grab the bottles and the bag of Pill Pocket treats in your left hand.

    2. Remove Dude’s claws from your pants leg and stop him from climbing up your leg with your right hand. You’ll never make it to the safety of the bathroom with him riding along.

    3. Push Dude away from your path toward the bathroom so you don’t trip over him. Ignore his pitiful cries, he really has eaten in the past two weeks despite how he makes it sound.

    4. Quickly open the bathroom door and scoot in there while keeping Dude back with one foot. Close the door and sit down.

    5. Place Dude’s meds into the Pill Pocket treats while inside the bathroom. Concentrate on this, and not on the loud meows, scratching on the door or the paws swiping at your feet from under the door.

    6. Once both pills are inside the treats, carefully open the bathroom door. Hold the loaded treats in one hand and keep Dude out of the way with one foot so you can close the door again.

    7. Hold one treat carefully with your thumb and index finger and take it out from behind your back. Be very careful here, Dude will snatch the treat from your fingers with lightning speed and you might get bitten accidentally.

    8. Repeat with second treat.

    9. Wipe the Dude-spit off your fingers and retreat into the bathroom to gather the meds and Pill Pockets to be placed back into the locked cupboard. Do not make any noise with the treat bag or you will have to repeat steps 1-4.

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