Rules That Cats Live By

Cat sleepingHere are just some of the rules that our feline friends live by:

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, any quality carpeting is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.

More rules that cats live by after the jump.

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering:”

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. When being removed for the second time, make all four legs flail around wildly in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.

6) When a human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human’s lap across arms if possible to hamper typing in progress.

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn’t move around too much.

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, then turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget guests.

10 Responses to “Rules That Cats Live By”

  1. LorieVA says:

    OMG, that was so dead on how my cats behave, I was LOL. I love it.

  2. purringfur says:

    My cat accompanies me to the bathroom!! I sit down, and he sits next to me with his big bushy tail warming my left foot! I call him my bathroom buddy!!

  3. mittens says:

    it’s a little embarassing when guests in my house have 3-4 cats hammaring away at the closed bathroom door the new human is hiding from kitty behind. one rather upset person said, a tad shrilly, ” what do they want?!!!!”

    like i know….you open the door and the waltz away.

  4. melissa says:

    I could not stop laughing. And I’m at work! LOLLLL. My cats love to do all of those things.

  5. Helen says:

    Every cat I have ever lived with!!! *kicking helplessly, gasping for air* Another well-needed laughing fit!

  6. Serijna says:

    We had to adjust the spring tension on the downstairs door knob at bottom of the stairs. After raising hell a couple of times with my teenage son and friends leaving the door open( an interior door to the hallway), I finally discovered that one of my cats had mastered opening the door by pawing at the door knob. Heard this weird noise upstairs of the doorknob being handled but nobody came up the stairs.
    When I went to investigate, one smart alec cat was on a small table next to the door knob pawing the thing till it opened.The rest of the cat critters was patiently waiting on the stair steps till this smart alec had the door open.

  7. Susan says:

    I have 6 cats. When a human goes into the bathroom, at least three go to. May sits in the sink, Munchkin hops in the bathtub, and Tessa rubs against your feet. Sometimes the other three will wait right outside the door. I’m glad I don’t have stairs. That was so funny!

  8. Serijna says:

    One other thing. It is really fun to jump and pounce on the funny looking contraption next to the computer.. Starts making weird noises and a piece of thin white stuff comes out. Presto, an instant toy to rip out , pounce on and do other nasty things to.

  9. purringfur says:

    Cat story. Once when a relative was visiting and taking a shower, the cat had to use his litter box and started scratching on the bathroom door. He’s never missed his box his entire life. The relative showering was not much of a dog person and had never been around cats, so he was used to them even less. After I asked G. to please let the cat in to use the box, the cat ran to the box and proceeded to produce the worst BM ever. My relative dried himself in a real hurry and couldn’t wait to exit for fresh air! Years later, we still laugh about how he was “trapped” in there by my sweet kitty!

  10. Sean says:

    That was so dead on. Especially the walking acrosss the keyboard.

    However there’s one thing that mine does that I’m sure other must do. She pretends to be asleep on the top of the TV with her tail dangling right in the center of the screen. If I move her tail she replaces it with a leg.

    I love cats.

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